156/Silence - A Past Embrace

This isn't grace
This isn't a place to feel safe or give praise
This is a past embrace

I attempt to be cordial
In a sense, I wish I could just fucking exit
This existential dread I've been given
It's all that I have within, all I am
Sometimes I'm feeling violently sick
It's just the taste of blood
The shade it stains
The fix I seem to crave
The views that fade
I thought that things could change
I thought we paid
I guess I still have time to bleed

Drown the fleet
I detach myself from everyone that still has hope left in me
My dreams are plundering
Wondering how to cross this off if I can't even keep my focus
I'm choking on this and probably bothering all that have to watch
This is exactly how I pictured the scene
My roads are crumbling
How could we come this far to fall back into what's been only
Beating, mistreating, and feeding on the flesh and bone?

I'll wash my hands of all these indecent wrongs to pretend
I'm not just awfully made of flaws
This detesting is all I have ever deserved
And I won't ascend to God or his fucking doves
I won't look to the above, just into the Sun
Is this all just what I want or what I've become?
Am I even capable of receiving love?
It seems that only time will tell here in hell

Problems I have come to find aren't always as they seem
I could lie right through your eyes and still not feel a thing
I remember better endings with you in the rain
That was then but this now and I just don't feel the same
I could fuck this up enough for no one to debate
That I'd be filled with twisted thrills for all the coming days
Will you still insist to kill me with your loving gaze
Or will I just sit inside until my life's erased?

My intentions stay relentless, hungry for the pain
Your affection seems to lessen as you stray away
I contend until the end just like a fading flame
Pretty pictures always wither to the point of frayed
I consider this a win amongst destructive days
Compromised by all the signs of having to escape
Will I time this as precisely as it needs to be
Or will I decide to die in less than lovely ways?

Embalmed by everything far from calm
I'll just disown the eager persistence of my thoughts
Whether or not I'm a cancer to all or just a simple cunt
A dripping cut
This isn't what I always loved
This isn't fun
This is a past embrace

Now it's too late to think of changing my fucking ways
I'll go back to where I should be